Part II of II

If you haven’t read part I, go here. It’s necessary background.

So as I was saying, now that I have explained my position and you’ve heard about my lessons learned, I thought it might be fun to take a walk down memory (some very distant and some unfortunately not so very distant) lane and fill you in on some of the guiltiest, filthiest ghosts of all.

Note, this is in no particular order and names have been coded to protect the innocent (namely me).

I’ve got secrets ghost “Jay”: This one I met at the young, tender and naïve age of 18. I was bright-eyed and bushy tailed and just started hitting up the club scene (which is where I met him). After dating this winner for a while, I learned that he had a girlfriend.  Ok, so he’s a cheater. As if that isn’t bad enough, as it turned out he not only lived with this girlfriend BUT (wait for it)…he and this girlfriend also had a one year old child together. And how did I find this out, you ask?  Where else but from this winner’s girlfriend who STALKED me 24 hours (by car) and 8 states away (if you in the District of Columbia) to my dorm room in Miami to inform me of this wonderfully enlightening news.  When I demanded to know from him why he never told me any of this (one would think is NEED TO KNOW information), he simply retorted, “Because you never asked.”  I wish I could say that this was the last of him…but ashamedly it wasn’t.  (While we weren’t really speaking, I hadn’t really excommunicated him either). Girlfriend stalked me out again a few years later to tell me they 1) were still together and 2) had another child together.  [Great, thanks for that].  That was the final straw and as a result excommunication began. Until 7 yes SEVEN years (and two days before leaving NJ for b-school), he found me on the good old Facebook.  Thinking that time has passed and we’re both so much older now, I accepted his friend request. And since the day I did, he’s been trying to “get that old thing back” every since.  He swears he loves me, I was the best thing he ever had and is begging me to give him another chance…Oy vey. On to headache number 2.

Liar, cheater, weasel ghost “Von”: An a-hole who cheated on me with a psycho ex-girlfriend of his. The psycho ex hated me so much (for absolutely nothing) that she hacked into my email and wrote to all of my close friends and family that I was dead. Or in an accident. Or something psycho like that. I mean, who in the WORLD does that? When I dumped him waaaay back in the day, I kept it moving without a second thought. And even though he lurks under the radar, I find every few months he’ll weasel his way out of his turtle shell and send me a “hey, how ya doing?” message or comment on a status of mine (and spell something totally incorrectly, which admittedly is such a pet peeve of mine); and while it causes no harm it just makes me scrunch my face.  A few months ago I found out he wrote my mom asking about me…yuck.  And speaking of mothers – his mom absolutely hated me. Well surprise, I hate(d) you too, biotch.

“Casper”, the friendly(?) fucking ghost: This one is appropriately nicknamed Casper for all of the disappearing acts he’s done over the years. He was a high school crush and while never officially my boyfriend, he was never officially out of my life either. About a year ago, he hit me up, claiming he (too) “wanted that old thing back” and I told him, I’m too old for BS, so if he was really interested in me, he’d have to “court” me because I am worthy of courtship and not shadiness. To which he happily (surprising, yes) obliged. We made plans to have a proper date when I returned home for the summer.  Until, he disappeared around Easter. [Here we go again]. When he reappeared, he reappeared via text message. Or so I thought. As it turned out, it wasn’t “Casper” who was messaging me. It was actually “Casper Shady” his girlfriend who FIRST pretended to be him for a few days and then broke down and confessed to being “Casper Shady” and informed me that Casper was “not available” because he was in JAIL for being pulled over while having a suspended license. *!_@*$%&# * I mean…are you SERIOUSSSSS? Casper DID not hit me up on his release from jail a few weeks later.  No, that would have been too easy.  He instead waited until just LAST week to randomly send me a casual game of Words with Friends. Like nothing. No big deal.  The word he sent over was ironically was devoid. That immediately prompted me to disconnect my WWF username from being linked to my facebook profile.

The ghost of all ghosts, “WGA”: And finally, that leads me to the WGA which I just learned stands for the one who won’t go away.  This award goes to the ex of all exes. The one who broke my heart into a million, trillion pieces not once but twice or maybe even three times? It’s been so many times, I’ve forgotten. [Not all his fault. I clearly allowed him to act like this throughout the years, so some of it was self-inflicted.] But anyway, thanks to my bestie Kristin, I read this very accurate description of him written by the Betches, so I’ve decided to copy and paste it right from where I read it because it seems like they were clearly in my head and know our relationship to have written such a precise account of the way it is. (Although I suggest you read the whole thing…it’s clutch).

“You all know that guy who has managed to stay in your life for like, longer than two years. That guy that you keep hooking up with yet you’ve never been in a serious relationship? That guy whom you’ve convinced yourself you have a ‘special connection’ with? That guy who never does something so douchey that you’d cut him off forever but steadily maintains that just-under-the-radar standoff assholishness?

You could easily get over this guy if he would just leave you the fuck alone, but why would he? He’s made a point of sticking himself so firmly in your life that getting rid of him is harder than the diamonds on your Cartier watch.”

Yup, that’s him. And in an effort to take heed from the betches, I’m doing just as they say and ignoring him. Because as the betches say “you snooze, you fucking lose”.  And while I could go on and on about the wretched, horrible things we’ve done to one another, I won’t. It’s not even worth the typed space. But I’ve definitely learned my greatest lessons from the WGA.

So there you have it … a little trip down memory lane and what I’ve been experiencing lately with all these crazy, cooky knock, knocks.

I will tell you though, that as I reflect on some of these situations, all I can do is laugh and be thankful that they are ghosts of dating past.  And even though I don’t have control over who texts me commenting on my new hair do, or who comments on my statuses or requests to play a game of words with friends, I do have control of me and of my actions… and the perspective and hopefulness of my dating future. 🙂