Earlier today my friend Tiffany from b-school told a couple of us girls about a 30 day blogging challenge that she had recently started. The challenge, issued by Mandy Hale aka The Single Woman, asks 30 questions to be answered in the month of October. Given that I have The Path, I am a woman, and I’ve been single for a very long* time now, I thought this might be a good way to embark upon some honest reflection of my Single-dom. Since this started last week I am a few days behind, but I’ll attempt to catch up by answering a few questions now.
So here goes nothing…
1) Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”
Well perhaps if I knew the answer to that I wouldn’t still be single now, would I, Mandy? Ok, ok. All snarky commentary aside, I honestly do not know. I thought by the age of 32 I’d be married with possibly a child or two, but it just hasn’t happened for me yet; and while I can’t pinpoint exactly why I am single, I can definitely identify some things that haven’t or are not helping my cause. For starters, I was in love. One would think this a good thing, right? Well, for many years it was … until it wasn’t. And unfortunately for me, my heart break was all-consuming and I couldn’t bare the thought of opening myself up again. Once I was ready to jump over the mental unavailability hurdle, I became too busy, too picky, too self-righteous (“I’m doing me and enjoying my life so why ruin that with a man?”), too self-conscious (“I’m overweight and don’t want to put myself out there until I feel better about myself”) … the list goes on and on. I’d say my biggest obstacles as of late have been 1) feeling in a constant state of transition, 2) not feeling confident enough to put myself out there and 3) feeling like the “right” guy for me isn’t out there. That may sound ridiculous but it’s true. For example, the third point – I have said time and time again that I want someone to set my soul on fire. Not necessarily every day, every week or even every month, but I need someone who I connect with on a deeper level – like my soul feels like I could live without him, but I wouldn’t want to. It’s hard to explain but I believe I’ll know when I feel it and so far I haven’t yet – hence why I think I am single. (And to clarify, yes I think I need to be physically attracted to someone. No, that does not mean he has to be the finest thing since the invention of chocolate. No, that does not mean that I have to instantly feel the fire within my soul upon first meeting someone. Yes, I think it can grow over time. No, I have no idea how this will happen). As for the second point, this is totally within my control but it’s been a lot harder to regulate than one would think. Finally, the first point. I have been in a constant state of flux since before I even started business school. And a way in which people meet now-a-days is through online dating which while proven effective by several of my friends and even my own Mother, is scary and intimidating, can be superficial and frustrating. So while I’m not closed off to dating, I haven’t been throwing myself out there.
2) Describe a moment or day when being single really sucked.
Oh the weddings. The constant barrage of weddings. And baby showers. And life events. Do not get me wrong. I absolutely love and adore my friends and am so happy for them and all of the many blessings God has bestowed upon them in their lives. Additionally, I am honored to stand beside them, support them, love them through all of these wonderful occasions. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I almost wanted to cry this past Saturday evening as I watched all of these couples dance lovingly on the dance floor at the third wedding I’d been to in four weeks. Even the strongest of single women want to break down at times.
3) Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.
I’d say it was awesome being single immediately before and during my business school experience. Business school was a choice. A choice I made alone. A choice that affected no one else but me. It was a dream of mine. And I got to pursue my heart’s desire without any external factors weighing on my decision of where to go, what to study, where to take an internship, whether or not to study abroad, where to accept a full-time job offer or any of the critical decisions and choices one would typically discuss or consult a significant other on. I did not have to worry about leaving anyone behind or bringing anyone along. It was just me.
4) Your biggest fear as a single person.
(Duh!) Being alone forever. Not that I need anyone, but I would like a partner to share my life with. Life is good and I want someone to enjoy this goodness (like my crazy obsession of Dateline) with me. My other fear as a single person is that my biological clock is tinkering away every day and I’d like to have children. Preferably of my own and not be a high risk patient because I over the age threshold. Could I adopt, yes. Could I freeze eggs, yes. But I haven’t even gotten that far because I’d like to still believe he’s out there.
5) The biggest misconception you think people have about single life.
That I am a depressed, lonely crazy cat lady who will eventually become a Spinster a la Bridget Jones. It’s quite the contrary. In fact, I love my life. I don’t need a man. But I’d like one because I do think having a partner that I can share this journey with will enhance my life. Single women (or men for that matter) are not always depressed and lonely.
Now a question for you reader(s)** — If you are single, what is your biggest fear about being single? If you are married, what’s the biggest misconception single people have about your married life?
*Meaning an enormous, gigantuous amount of time. Like older than Methuselah amount of time. Like could have shot pool with Jesus amount of time.
**Let’s be honest, it’s like my Mom and a couple of loyal best friends (thanks, Sinny).