Have you ever had one of those moments when you start crying about something (or sometimes about nothing) and once the flood gates are open, the tears just don’t stop?
Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve cried like that but welcome “Good Cry” Wednesday.
I preface this bout of sadness with a disclaimer. In general, I’m a fairly happy and upbeat person. I have loving parents, awesome friends and a promising career. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge and clothes on my back. In the grand scheme of life, I know that I am extremely fortunate and incredibly blessed. And I’m grateful enough to have the perspective that:
- tomorrow is another day
- this shitty ball of hopeless emotions will dissipate quickly (most likely by tomorrow after a good night’s rest).
However, today is not tomorrow. Today is now and today sucks because while most days I feel like I am living, today I feel like I am surviving.
Why, you ask? Well being totally honest, I can’t really pinpoint the proverbial straw but here’s what is swirling around in my brain at the moment.*
Maybe it’s due to the fact that I had a really shitty day at work because some ornery, crotchety old man made me the target of his anger during an important meeting and snarled at me in a room full of people about something that absolutely wasn’t my fault and for that matter was completely out of my control.
Maybe it’s because the audience of that group were all Senior Staff and not one of them stood up for me and had my back against Mr. Grumpy Pants.
Maybe it’s because I felt like I was chastised in a way that made me feel small and worthless.
Maybe it’s because I’m exhausted from having 6 presentations, 1 offsite and 1 long weekend out of town in the last week and a half.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t been home to Jersey, my safe haven, for a solid weekend of pure nothingness.
Maybe it’s because I’ve only worked out twice in the past two weeks when I’ve been averaging 4-5 times a week for the past 2-3 months.
Maybe it’s because I’m changing and growing a part from certain people that I once felt I was really close with.
Maybe it’s because I was talking to my closest guy friend about his fight for this girl he really cares for; and I realize that there isn’t anyone out there to fight for me.
Maybe it’s because I stress ate (what feels like) a pound of gummy bears tonight and I feel like I could throw up.
Maybe it’s because my Mom told me some unsettling news about a relative I have a very estranged relationship with.
Maybe it’s because I (rarely but still) sometimes wonder if I’ve made the right choices in the pivotal moments of my life.
Maybe it’s because Tuesdate never followed up to actually make a date even though he asked me out.
Maybe it’s because despite all of my life’s blessings I still feel very behind in life.
Maybe it’s just one of those days that a girl goes through.
Here’s hoping a good night’s rest will lead me out of this funk!